The Cabin and The Dog-Bear

I was spending a solitary, woodsman like night out at The Cabin and had decided to take a stroll up to the shop for better cell reception, since my coverage with Cricket is spotty at best near the zipline and what kind of manly man would i be if i didn't have at least three bars. I grabbed a lantern, pulled on my cowboy boots and headed up the path to the looming shadow of the shop. Regardless of how close i got, though, my signal didn't improve. I decided to improvise. Adapt and overcome as the Marines say.

I headed over to the gate with the intention of trying my call from the top of the driveway, overlooking West Chehalem church. I figured that cell reception would probably be a little better near a house of God, and if nothing else i could enjoy a nice quiet starry night overlooking my beloved Wilamette Valley.
As i approached the fence i could swear i heard something rustling and crackling in the brush on the far side. Attributing the sounds to either a deer or my overactive imagination, i set to the task of unhooking the chain that runs through the gate.
The chain had just come loose and the gate was swinging open behind me when there was an audible SNAP off to my left, towards Dave and Bev's old place. I lofted the lantern high, expecting to see the swiftly retreating posterior of some curious woodland creature, and was met instead with two glowing orbs, about three feet off the ground, forty feet away.
A startled "Oh wow," was somehow all I could squeeze out of my lungs, to which the orbs responded with a long, low grrrrrrowl.
Somehow, my first thought was "Bear." I stepped back to the gate, but the aluminum section had already swung wide behind me and was out of reach. "I know, i'll climb the gate," i though, "Bears can't climb gates."
This thought process was both instantaneous and completely rational to my adrenaline soaked brain. As far as i was concerned, climbing a four foot metal gate and standing on the top of a fence post was an adequate and efficient escape from what i could only assume was a famine crazed blackbear bent on my consumption. Cause bears can't climb, right?
Right.
However, even as that idea started coalescing my brain, the glowing eyes moved. They began approaching me fast, accompanied by some heavy footfalls and continued growling.
"Oh great, it's a wolf."
Quickly the whole 'gate+fence post=safety' plan went out the proverbial window, and i clung to small iron gate with my left hand while the chain hung limply from my right.
A frantic stream of "Oh wow oh wow oh wow" spewed from my mouth, since as everyone knows, animals won't eat something that's talking to them. I don't know if it's an ethics issue or maybe feelings of inadequacy (would YOU eat something so obviously more advanced than your entire species?) but i figured that a wolf wouldn't attack something that was yelling at it like a bat just figuring out sonar.
As the giant critter entered the circle of light that my lantern threw off, i had a few ideas for additional items that we should keep at the cabin:

A Baseball Bat

A Ninja Sword
A Park Ranger
An Automated Defense System

And my personal favorite

A Bazooka

Step by agonizing step, the giant beast entered the lamplight, revealing its self to be not a bear, not a wolf, not even a giant radioactive badger, but a huge, loping, grey haired guard dog with bejowled face and slowly wagging tail. The beasty gave me one last growl and trotted off down the hill in the exact direction i planned on going.
Composing myself and taking a moment to empty the excessive amounts of urine that had somehow started filling up my boots, i braced myself and continued on my shaky way down the hill after the monster. I had cell reception to find.

All told, it was quite a fun night.